


Words Are Worth a Thousand Pictures

by Ellen Smithee (ellensmithee)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Dialogue-Only, Dirty Talk, M/M, Masturbation, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-10
Updated: 2011-03-10
Packaged: 2017-10-16 20:33:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/169063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellensmithee/pseuds/Ellen%20Smithee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Despite being a portrait, Phineas has certain ideas on how to do things right.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Words Are Worth a Thousand Pictures

**Author's Note:**

> Written with a book of Victorian porn on hand to make Phineas's sex talk as authentic as possible. AU after Book 5.

_One night, at 12, Grimmauld Place:_

"Ooh, yes…"

"That's quite a fine specimen you have there, young man. Can't say much for your technique, however."

"Phineas! What-?! Get out of here. NOW."

"Well, if you're going to be that way, Lupin, I'll just go back to watching young Potter."

"No! Have you gone completely mad? Leave him alone! He's just a boy."

"Judging by the size of him and what he does with it, he hasn't been a boy for quite a while now."

"Phineas!"

"…"

"So… you've watched him as well."

"I'm sorry, are you speaking to me?"

"Phineas. Phineas. I'm sorry. Please. Just answer the question."

"Very well, yes. I have watched him."

"And…?"

"And what?"

"And what makes his technique so much better than mine? What does he, er, do, exactly?"

"I thought you didn't want to hear this. He is, after all, 'just a boy.'"

"He's eighteen. Answer the question."

"All right. If you must know…"

"Yes."

"The first thing he does is lick a finger-"

"Like this?"

"Yes, just like that. Then he strokes it along the helmet of his tadger…"

"His… his what?"

"Oh, shut it! Stop laughing! Honestly, you young people today. What expression would you normally use then?"

"How about 'cock' or 'prick'? Didn't they use those in your day as well?"

"All right then, his 'cock.' Is that better?"

"Mmm hmm. Go on."

"He teases the tip - softly now, not so fast - and gathers up the pre-spunk from his slit. Then he lightly traces the vein on the underside of his prick down to his- Lupin, let go of it right now!"

"This is taking too long. You can't tell me that our headstrong little Harry has this kind of patience."

"Young Mr Potter has finesse. He doesn't just take himself in hand and jerk it about wildly until he spends like some people I could mention."

"Sp- spends?"

"Lupin! If you are incapable of frigging yourself without a modicum of solemnity…"

"I'm sorry, Phineas, please go on."

"He reaches down and caresses his ballsack. Gently at first, but then he takes his balls more firmly into his hand and kneads them. Is a copious amount of pre-jism leaking from your cock?"

"Y- yes."

"Congratulations, lad, you're doing it right."

"Oh, Merlin. When can I touch it?"

"Wait for it. The pleasure is in the journey… Stop rolling your eyes and concentrate! Now, while he's playing with his balls, he takes his other hand and dips a finger into the juice that has collected in his slit. He slowly raises it to his lips and licks it off, humming as he draws it into his mouth… That's right, Lupin. Easy does it. Then he adds another finger and pumps them both in and out of his mouth, imaging he's sucking someone's knob - maybe even yours, Lupin. You'd like that, hmm?"

"Mmm."

"He lets go of his balls and wraps his hand around the base of his cock. Not too firm, mind. Then he strokes himself evenly, up and down, up and down. That's it, my boy. You even look a bit like him, the way your hair is falling into your eyes and the sweat is glistening on your skin. He takes his fingers out of his mouth and moves them slowly down his chest, pausing to tweak his nipples into little peaks, before he continues down his stomach- Lupin! Are you even listening to me? I have a feeling you're more interested in fiddling about with yourself that what I have to say. I can stop now and wait till you're finished, if you like."

"No! I'm listening. Don't you _dare_ stop now, Phineas."

"I honestly don't see what you could possibly be gaining from my narrative if you're not listening."

"Just. Get. On with it."

"All right. He brings his fingers down to his puckered rosette - Lupin, are you quite all right? Are you choking? Should I fetch help? No? Are you sure? Very well, then. He wiggles his well-sluiced fingers into his bumhole, one preparing the way for the other, and they probe his depths, searching for hidden treasure, until they find it and he-"

"Ah!"

"-cries out his pleasure. His fingers bugger his hole relentlessly, and his hips start moving almost against his volition, but still he manages to stroke his prick slowly and even- Lupin… Lupin! Not so fast! You're doing it all wrong!"

"Shut _up_ , Phineas, I'm almost there."

"No, Lupin, stop! What do you think you're doing?"

"Oooh! Oh, yes! Yes! Harry! Ungh!"

"…"

"Hrmph. I hope you're satisfied, Lupin."

"Actually, I am. Now, if you don't mind…"

"Fine. I see that you'll be needing more lessons…"

" _Good night_ , Phineas."

 

 _A few minutes later in a room down the hall:_

"Ooh, yes! What does Remus do next?"

"Gently now, my boy. Not so fast! The pleasure is in the journey


End file.
